Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
