I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
