I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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