Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
