My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
