I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
