im drinking this country out of the recession.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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