dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
