Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have demons in me.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
