Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
