I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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