Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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