Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
