Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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