my phone needs a breathalizer
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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