I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
