Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
