I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
