So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
