So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
