____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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