This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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