I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Randomize
