you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
