she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
