I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
