I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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