i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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