i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
