I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
