Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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