mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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