More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
