At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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