It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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