She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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