he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
