i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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