I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
