I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
