I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
