you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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