She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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