Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
