Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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