Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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