I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
