so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
