My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
