Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
